Have you ever laughed about pepperoni nipples and wondered if those even exist? Well, you better stop girl because if you plan on having kids, you might as well be a slice of pizza. Get ready for extra dark, extra large and extra weird nippies. This is due to the high levels of estrogen and progesterone, and increased melanin. What, no one warned you about this? You're not alone. More often than not, we hear about the beautiful, amazing things pregnancy brings and how "it's all worth it". While this is VERY true, I think it's only fair to give mom-to-be's a heads up on what's to come. Trust me, there's plenty more.
Now, let's move on to the fun part of the pizza. You know, the cheese. The greasy, melted, drippy cheese. That's you too! Get ready to sweat profusely ALL THE TIME. For the first few weeks postpartum, I woke up thinking I peed myself. Literally, laying in a puddle of sweat with wet hair. WET, not damp. Literal drops of sweat trickling down my boobs. As if this wasn't enough, it continued into my daily activities. Breastfeeding, morning coffee, baby holding, car rides, grocery store trips, diaper changes, group gatherings (the absolute worst), pretty much just being alive made me sweat. My recommendations? Sleep naked with a bun, stay away from light clothing, pack on that make up and don't forget to buy your own pack of baby wipes for on-the-go. Fun fact: I'm almost 5 months postpartum and still dealing with this.
How about some pizza toppings...like oh, some onions? Great taste but not so great smell, am I right? Hate to break it to ya but postpartum BO is a thing. For those of you who have been living under a rock for the past decade, this stands for BODY ODOR. Lemme tell ya, it ain't fun. Coming from a girl who used to get away with no deo sometimes, this has been the most difficult postpartum change. I have yet to find a deodorant that can mask this smell, but I am working on a homemade mix with essential oils (keep ya posted) and I'm praying it works! Good news is, those extra wipes you're packing for your sweaty days will come in handy for those onion pits.
I've run out of pizza analogies but I have plenty more postpartum side effects, yay! So breastfeeding... *sigh*. As if growing and birthing a human wasn't enough, now you've become a cow. Full of extra weight, and creamy milk. During the first few days after birth, your milk supply is coming in and your breasts might feel engorged, swollen and painful. Not to mention the stinging, needle like sensation your nipples are getting when baby is first latching. This sounds absolutely horrific, but I promise after a week or so, breastfeeding should be completely painless. If I just gave you some hope, I'm about to take it back. Yes, breastfeeding, if done correctly, should be painless but this does not make it easy. By making the decision to breastfeed, you're officially selling your soul (& boobs) to your baby. You are on demand. Whenever, wherever, for as long as they want. Every 3 hours, every 2, sometimes every hour on the hour. Cluster feeding. It happens, look it up. Baby can feed for 10 minutes, 30, or an hour! From one breast, or from both. The fun part is you'll never know! If you didn't catch that sarcasm, you are special. I'll be 100% honest with you on this one, it really IS worth it. The benefits of breastfeeding are beyond anything else. Not to mention the amazing bond you and your bean will have. Free snuggles all day? Sign me up.
Remember that gorgeous, luscious pregnancy mane that had you feeling yourself all day? Say farewell to your locks and hello to bald spots. At around 3 months postpartum, your hair might begin to fall off. I don't mean a few strands here and there when you take off a ponytail...I'm talking CHUNKS. Shower drain clogging chunks. Get used to picking hairs off of everything and constantly feeling like there's a spider crawling up your skin. I've become obsessed with the amount of hairs I'm losing and spend 30% of my day picking them off my bed, trying my best to contain them in the trash. Sadly, my hair is winning this battle. I have two bald spots caving into the sides of my forehead that I'm constantly trying to cover with my bangs but remember the constant sweating? Yep, that's right ladies, up do it is. Lets show off that scalp! This is, unfortunately, completely normal. Hormones are regulating and you're losing all the hair that you didn't during pregnancy. Have I scared you off yet? Don't go, please! I have more!
If your shower doesn't look like this then you're doing it wrong...
Not gonna lie, I feel pretty bad for those of you reading...especially if you're pregnant. the good news is that I've gotten through the worst postpartum side effects (in my opinion at least) so you can take a deep breath and RELAX. While I won't go into detail about the last few (for your sake), it's only fair to warn you. Here's a tip: read the next line really fast and it won't seem as bad.
Sex hurts and it sucks, you bleed for 6 weeks postpartum, back pains, foot growth, mood swings, baby blues and sleep deprivation.
No biggie, right? Now, I know I'm going to sound crazy telling you this but it's true what they say, IT IS WORTH EVERY MOMENT. Every mental breakdown, every tear, every hair lost and sweat dropped, pepperoni nipples and onion pits, ALL of this. If someone told me they would take away all my #postpartumprobz but I would have to give up my bean I would say "F U, I got this." No one can take motherhood away from me and I would gladly do it all over again (and I will but chill). Needless to say, surviving all of this 100% makes us the stronger species, sorry boys.
Don't worry mama's, by the first year your hormones and body should be back to normal. So please, soak up every moment of this wonderful chapter. One day you will miss it.